I haven’t slept for 3 nights. Tossing and turning, uncomfortable and exhausted. It’s been a few days now since I’ve slept all the way through. Maybe that’s why I feel so drained?

On Tuesday I visited my GP. This is the first time I’ve seen him in 2017. My pain killers don’t work as well anymore and I’m having to use every trick up my sleeve to get some relief. I’ve tried other things; medicated menthol patches from Amazon, a new TENS machine, all sorts. None of it seems to be doing any good.

The doctor only told me what I already knew. I know there’s no cure. I know things were pretty awful inside me during, and still following, my surgery in September. I know at some point I’m going to have to make that final decision. His question was: “How much longer are you going to continue trying to conceive? How much longer can you stand it?”

If you’d asked me this last night, my response would’ve been; no more. I can’t see myself getting pregnant, I can only see pain. I’m only just managing to pull myself out of my pit after a week’s flare, I’m not sure I’d be able to cope emotionally if something bad was to happen after I conceive. I already know my tube, the wanton singleton, isn’t healthy. The risk of having an ectopic pregnancy is high; if that occurs not only will I love this last fallopian tube, but also a baby I have wished for, for so long.

Today, however, I’m still profoundly pessimistic about things but I’m not sure I’m ready to throw the towel in just yet.

Surely there is another option? Anything!

If anybody has tried anything that has provided some relief, or aided them in conceiving or in making such an impossible, difficult decision, please contact me.

I’m almost there…almost ready to admit defeat, but- not quite.