Last night, I took too much morphine. Irresponsible. Dangerous. Essential. This was not a ‘cry for help’. After all, I’ve been crying for help for 3 years now and it counts for nothing. I did not take an overdose and I don’t want to die.
But, the had pain enveloped me, dragging into my legs and causing my stomach to bloat unnaturally, like a balloon. And I was alone. I am alone with this pain. There are very few people that understand exactly how it bruises me, how it is killing me slowly, day-by-day. Plenty of people have seen me in pain, I am lucky to have such a supportive and caring family, but they don’t know.
I didn’t measure out 5ml of Oramorph. I just unscrewed the cap (which is a chore all on its own because of the child safety top!) and took a swig, a gulp.
As I laid in bed, praying for the pain to stop, praying for the endometriosis to just fade away, my body began to react to the medication, and as I realised what I’d done, how silly I’d been, I began to panic. But I was alone, I had to coach myself out of a panic attack and once again carry on despite of it all…
Standing horizontally, shaking, on the end of my toes,
my face turned up to a starless sky, blocked by a veil of ceiling.
My limbs are heavier than steel,
uncooperative against the unyielding torrent that is flooding my body and my senses.
Almost too much-
My joints creak, protesting my fool’s attempt at slight movements, almost too painful to finish the motion,
and so I give up.
Closing my eyes while my thoughts swim and flail, incoherent,
unable to follow one caution on to the next.
I need to cling to someone stronger, warmer, better than me, I need to be held.
Holding my broken pieces, frayed edges, together.
As I lose control, each action has a little something extra, a little jig, like a tic I am unable to hide.
It is easier to lie still, taking shallow barely-there breaths.
There is what’s left of the strange tang in my mouth, the last testament of my weakness and evidence of my defeat against an unrelenting adversary;
And Pain is lonely.”