Despair and Defeat

“I am more than this, I am more than pain, I am more than this illness.”

Recently, I have been making a considerate effort to try and get my life back to some resemblance of normalcy. This is hard. I have been walking a thin line between despair and defeat.

After not being able to manage my pain during a particularly prolonged flare up and deciding to come off hormone treatment, my body is exhausted. My mind is almost broken as it takes everything for me to plaster on a smile and go about my day, my illness and melancholy invisible to those around me.

Hearing the same words from every medical professional, with no clear resolution, is so disheartening. Being told there are limited options of treatment left. Being told the first go-to treatment would be surgery, which I’ve already had no more than 10 months ago. The second go-to is pregnancy and my heart breaks each time this is suggested. Get pregnant. If only it was that easy. The fact that those words are thrown around as easily as they are, makes me feel like I’m not fulfilling what it is to be female. Like I’m faulty, broken.

I’m about to start the last in a long list of treatments. It is the last, as I literally don’t know what else we can try if it doesn’t work. Zoladex. Chemical menopause. Injections into my lower abdomen every 28 days. Menopausal symptoms- hot flashes, low mood, weight gain, acne, personality changes. None of this sounds like a good time.

I am scared to start this. I have some serious reservations about this. My biggest concern is the mood and personality changes. When I tried the Depo Provera injection in February this year, I went from me to suicidal in 2 weeks. Will this happen again? Will I still be me?

It’s hard for me to be positive. But if I’ve learnt anything along my Endo journey, it’s that I’m stronger than I think I am. All of what I’ve been through hasn’t come easy, why start now?

 

If you’ve tried Zoladex injections to treat Endometriosis, let me know your experience. What works for you?

A xo

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Author: ChronicWriter

a writer, living with Endometriosis

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