In March this year, after 6 months of zoladex injections, I decided to stop the treatment.

It was finally baby time. I bought packs and packs of pre-conception vitamins, I upped my daily water intake, I got the Ovia fertility app for my iPhone.

The first bleed didn’t come for about a month after I expected it. My menopausal symptoms; hot sweats, mood swings, seemed to fade away until I suddenly noticed they’d gone.

That first bleed though- eugh! it was horrid. I had fully prepared for it, mentally, physically and practically. I’d booked the week off, I’d stocked up on monthly essentials, painkillers, heat pads and comfort food. The cramping pains were as severe as before the zoladex but the bleeding seemed to have gotten a little better, not as heavy at least!

I bounced back much quicker than I’d expected to though. The day after I stopped bleeding, I felt relatively normal, if not a little bewildered. Had I done the right thing stopping the injections? How long would it take to get pregnant? 

The second month, I had my blood taken and tested for hormone levels. It looked like my ovaries were back to normal, I had ovulated. Ovulated? As in, there could be a baby? What?! 

I was like a crazy person, counting the days, knicker checking and when my period never came I was beside myself-excited. My GP said if I hadn’t come on, to take a test.

Now girls, I have never had to take a test before as I’ve always been super careful and obviously never planned a pregnancy, so I’ll admit I was a little anxious about it. I stood in the middle of Boots holding the Clear Blue Pregnancy test and the Boots one, a confused frown crinkling my forehead. Which one is more likely to give me a positive result? Now, I know this is ridiculous, but at this point I’m beyond reason. It gets worse…

I had to read the instructions! Hilarious! How hard is peeing on a stick?! But you want everything to go right,  and as I waited 3 minutes for the little lines to show up, my anxiety tripled.

My husband had to read it and tell me. Negative.

Yet no period? Odd. I rang the GP and he said to wait 48 hours and then try again. I’m not a patient person but that was the longest 48 hours ever. But I did it, not without a grumble of course. Still negative.

2 hours after my test, I started bleeding. My body hates me and is taunting me. But, I shook it off and put on my positive pants.

After this fiasco, I decided to get rid of the Ovulation app on my phone, I decided to stop reading all the fertility tips online, I decided to stop calendar-watching. If this is going to happen, it’s going to happen faster when I’m not stressing and obsessing about it.

I’m 4 months without the zoladex treatment. The periods aren’t nice, but I’m ready for them and I’ve learned to pick myself up afterwards. I’m strong enough to manage this- I have to be if I want to have a baby. Trying to conceive is difficult but going through this with Endometriosis forever in the back of my mind is so disheartening. It’s like: the despair of not being pregnant isn’t hard enough, here’s some physical agony to go with it.

The truth is; there are no more treatment options for me, the Zoladex proved that. The end game is a Hysterectomy. I know this and have accepted it.

The fact is- I need to have a baby. And when we eventually do, our baby will be the most longed for and the most loved in all the world. (Yes, I know every parent says this…) 

My thoughts are with those couples trying to conceive, you get a hi-5 ‘cos I know how much the waiting game sucks.

Much love

A xo