Delusions of a 14 year old girl

As a teenager, I would fantasise about all the awesome things I was going to be able to do when I grew up. Ideas that I would share with my friends on sleepovers, we would laugh as we came up with fairy tale endings and made plans for our future.

But life never works out the way we want it to, does it?

The delusions of a 14 year old:

  • Buying sexy lingerie and matching sets (and being able to fill them out!). I spent a lot of my adolescence waiting for my breasts to develop, always the last one, they seemed to just appear overnight. But once I had them, I saw them only as a hindrance, unable to fit in the pretty bras from Primark. Girls, let’s be honest, there’s no better feeling than the ‘aahh’ moment when I let them loose on a night time.
  • One of my most vivid memories of my teenage years, is when my friends and I had a sleepover and talked long into the night. The topic? Sex. Until the age of 19, I was a prude, so these conversations were awkward at best but I would offer funny comments and we would laugh together. At this sleepover, we were talking about what music we would do it to – crazy! Laughing, I chose Bon Jovi’s Blaze of Glory and I got huge laughs.
  • Every little girl tries on her mother’s high heels and teeters about the bedroom, like Bambi on the ice. As a teenager, I rarely got the chance to wear high heels, so I believed that once I grew up, this skill would automatically come. As if reaching the age of 18 would grant me endless grace, wisdom and the skills I would need to succeed in life. No, I was an idiot at 14. And now at 25, I am yet to master high heels. I have even opted for flats when I go Out-Out, because I would swap comfort for sass any day of the week- which is probably why I’m sat writing in pyjamas on a Friday night!
  • And the big one- Periods. We all thought periods would bring about our womanhood, our female prowess, the ability to have babies and conquer parenthood, be independent, as well as bring home the bacon. But, for women everywhere, mother nature has conned us. Periods have been a massive let down in my life; heavy, irregular and due to my Endometriosis, severely painful. I remember whining to my mum, that I would never get my period. I can’t count how many times I have laughed about how ironic that is.
  • I imagined leaving school to be a massive milestone in my life. A grand day that I would remember forever. But truth be told, I can’t even remember it. I thought I would be somehow wiser, more grown up after I walked through the gates that last afternoon. I know I was sad to leave secondary school behind and took comfort in the knowledge that some of my friends would be going with me to 6th form.
  • Speaking of nights out, drinking was a huge points on the Pro list of growing up. Images of me, age 20, sitting as a bar, cocktail in hand, looking oh so sophisticated. ERR- NO. Alcohol does not agree with me. I do not enjoy drinking and I take pride in the fact that I can have a great time, without it. I’m not a big partyer. I’m more of a cup of tea, bubble bath and a good book, night in type of girl. I relish the boring, I’ll be a square to the end.
  • I had ambitious ideas of what I expected from my professional life. I fooled myself into thinking I knew what I wanted in a career. I thought I would have a choice of highly-paid, high position jobs when I graduated from uni but unfortunately graduates all over the UK know that this isn’t the case. But when I actually got a job, it made me doubt what career I’d chosen for myself. It is ridiculous that society expects children of 15/16 to choose subjects that will map out their life. How can they know what they want to do when all they have known is education?
  • The responsibility of having my own house was exciting. I would think of how I’d decorate it, relish in the idea of having my own space- my house, my rules. What I neglected to think about was the responsibility of having my own house. Rent, bills, cleaning, food shopping, being a grown up.
But I cannot regret my childish ideas of what adulthood would be like. I cannot be bitter that my life doesn’t quite match up to those rosy expectations because everybody has dreams, everybody wants shiny things out of life, but life isn’t perfect and it certainly isn’t easy. But anything worth having is never easy, right?  
Life is like a rollercoaster and I’m just along for the ride. I have to experience the highs as well as the lows.
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Author: ChronicWriter

a writer, living with Endometriosis

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