Things I wanted to say but never did:
- There are more important things in life than making sure your eyebrows are symmetrical. I’m sure the feller running late for work, or the overworked carer just finished from a night shift, or the mother juggling a lunchbox, book-bag, P.E. kit and a whiney child on the school run- have all failed to notice your wobbly brows. Relax.
- Don’t think I didn’t catch that, you’re not subtle. -Responding to every person and their facial expression after they hear the age difference between my husband and I (FYI, it’s 16 years and IDGAF – he’s a GOD). We neither want nor need your approval.
- No I don’t like drinking and if that makes me boring, I’m fine with that. But good for you and your 6th glass of JD- crack on. I’m happy being out, with my Coke- I don’t feel sad and you don’t have to pity me or pressure me into a vodka shot. Thanks though, and good luck with your hangover.
- I don’t have my life figured out yet and I don’t have a 5 Year plan. Does this make me anxious? Sometimes, yes. But you’re not making it any easier by mentioning it or looking at me with “poor you” eyes.
- Did you forget we all went to the same school? Yes I was there, witnessing your Tango years and seeing you bully others less confident than yourself. Remember that before you look down your nose at me from the top of your ridiculously high heels.
- “Have you tried…? What about…? That tablet is crap…” – Yes, please tell me how you’re going to cure my chronic illness, and please list all the things I’ve already tried while I smile and nod with my mouth tight shut (I know you mean well)
- I am 26 years old. I know to look both ways before crossing a road, I know not to talk to strangers and I always take care (thank you Grandad, ILY). You don’t need to remind me to drive safe or eat plenty of vegetables, I have managed to live this long without (too much) mishap.
- I should not be labelled a hermit, shut-in, shy or introverted just because I spend all day inside, in my room, reading a book. I like spending time by myself. This is not a cue for intervention, I do not need to get out, be forced into social gatherings or be dragged on a brisk walk for fresh air. I’m fine.
- And whilst I’m about books- Yes, I am reading a ‘saucy’ book and it’s bloody fantastic. As my husband calls it: “Porn without Pictures.” Allow me to lend you a copy so you can remove that stick from your butt and join the rest of womankind who are also on the Fifty Shades Train (Most of us have been riding for a while, and we shouldn’t be ashamed of it anymore!)
- Don’t ask me to explain how I got that bruise. I don’t need a safe word. I am just clumsy. I can laugh at myself, please laugh with me- not at me!
- “You don’t want more than 1 baby?” As if it’s an easy thing to do?! It’s basically making a person! Unfortunately, for some women it isn’t as easy as A, B, C. Please be more considerate.
- Don’t pass judgement on my diet. Yes, I like chicken nuggets and smiley faces and ketchup. I know this sounds like the diet of a toddler, but I also like spinach and Brussels sprouts too. Just not as much as I loooooove cake.
- “It’s been a nightmare, are you sure you want kids?” Of course I’m sure, this decision wasn’t made after hearing that baby-making is super fun and motherhood is a breeze! Neither will it be swayed by an awful afternoon of tantrums and smelly nappies.
- “You can have mine!” Don’t say this, because next time I’ll show up at your front door with adoption papers and a bottle of fizz.
- It was not my intention to offend with this list. I have to right to Freedom of Speech. A fact I must remember the next time someone offends me with their ignorance, arrogance or lack of consideration.
“If you are always trying to be
NORMAL you will never know how AMAZING you can be.” -Maya Angelou
As a teenager, I would fantasise about all the awesome things I was going to be able to do when I grew up. Ideas that I would share with my friends on sleepovers, we would laugh as we came up with fairy tale endings and made plans for our future.
But life never works out the way we want it to, does it?
The delusions of a 14 year old:
- Buying sexy lingerie and matching sets (and being able to fill them out!). I spent a lot of my adolescence waiting for my breasts to develop, always the last one, they seemed to just appear overnight. But once I had them, I saw them only as a hindrance, unable to fit in the pretty bras from Primark. Girls, let’s be honest, there’s no better feeling than the ‘aahh’ moment when I let them loose on a night time.
- One of my most vivid memories of my teenage years, is when my friends and I had a sleepover and talked long into the night. The topic? Sex. Until the age of 19, I was a prude, so these conversations were awkward at best but I would offer funny comments and we would laugh together. At this sleepover, we were talking about what music we would do it to – crazy! Laughing, I chose Bon Jovi’s Blaze of Glory and I got huge laughs.
- Every little girl tries on her mother’s high heels and teeters about the bedroom, like Bambi on the ice. As a teenager, I rarely got the chance to wear high heels, so I believed that once I grew up, this skill would automatically come. As if reaching the age of 18 would grant me endless grace, wisdom and the skills I would need to succeed in life. No, I was an idiot at 14. And now at 25, I am yet to master high heels. I have even opted for flats when I go Out-Out, because I would swap comfort for sass any day of the week- which is probably why I’m sat writing in pyjamas on a Friday night!
- And the big one- Periods. We all thought periods would bring about our womanhood, our female prowess, the ability to have babies and conquer parenthood, be independent, as well as bring home the bacon. But, for women everywhere, mother nature has conned us. Periods have been a massive let down in my life; heavy, irregular and due to my Endometriosis, severely painful. I remember whining to my mum, that I would never get my period. I can’t count how many times I have laughed about how ironic that is.
- I imagined leaving school to be a massive milestone in my life. A grand day that I would remember forever. But truth be told, I can’t even remember it. I thought I would be somehow wiser, more grown up after I walked through the gates that last afternoon. I know I was sad to leave secondary school behind and took comfort in the knowledge that some of my friends would be going with me to 6th form.
- Speaking of nights out, drinking was a huge points on the Pro list of growing up. Images of me, age 20, sitting as a bar, cocktail in hand, looking oh so sophisticated. ERR- NO. Alcohol does not agree with me. I do not enjoy drinking and I take pride in the fact that I can have a great time, without it. I’m not a big partyer. I’m more of a cup of tea, bubble bath and a good book, night in type of girl. I relish the boring, I’ll be a square to the end.
- I had ambitious ideas of what I expected from my professional life. I fooled myself into thinking I knew what I wanted in a career. I thought I would have a choice of highly-paid, high position jobs when I graduated from uni but unfortunately graduates all over the UK know that this isn’t the case. But when I actually got a job, it made me doubt what career I’d chosen for myself. It is ridiculous that society expects children of 15/16 to choose subjects that will map out their life. How can they know what they want to do when all they have known is education?
- The responsibility of having my own house was exciting. I would think of how I’d decorate it, relish in the idea of having my own space- my house, my rules. What I neglected to think about was the responsibility of having my own house. Rent, bills, cleaning, food shopping, being a grown up.
But I cannot regret my childish ideas of what adulthood would be like. I cannot be bitter that my life doesn’t quite match up to those rosy expectations because everybody has dreams, everybody wants shiny things out of life, but life isn’t perfect and it certainly isn’t easy. But anything worth having is never easy, right?
Life is like a rollercoaster and I’m just along for the ride. I have to experience the highs as well as the lows.