Posts by ChronicWriter

a writer, living with Endometriosis

October 30, 2016November 21, 2016 by ChronicWriter

| October Favourites |

I love LOVE Autumn. It makes journeys prettier, hot drinks a necessity and a scarf so so cosy. The best thing about being a blogger during Autumn is seeing all the wonderful updates via social media. Pinterest is aglow with burnt oranges and reds, I can’t blink for pumpkin patch pictures and it’s all so great to see everyone trying to win the prize for best Halloween costume! Above, are just a few of the pictures from the past month- but Winter is definitely coming!

Speaking of Autumn, a different Autumn has captured my attention on Twitter. Chronically Chill aka @autumnjduncan has a sharp wit & a fab sense of humour. From one chronically ill lady to another- BRAVO!

I want Michelle Obama to be President. Being from the UK, a lot of the politics across the pond is lost on me as their campaign videos are live during the hours when I’m (usually) sleeping. But this woman’s strength, drive & compassion for American people is not lost on this Brit. I have watched her speech about 4 times now and she gets me every time. What a speech?! Mrs Obama knows how to reach the crowd and hits the nail on the head with every syllable. Some of her speech, I could even use to describe some of my experiences with chronic illness.

Click to watch the First Lady in action

Next…

Megs, who writes the blog ‘Wonderful You’, has written a new blog post. Now, the reason this post is in my October Favourites, is that it is written so honestly and sparing no emotion, there was no way I could NOT include it in this segment. Her post, entitled ‘At the Bottom’, tells of her struggles with low mood and a lack of positivity. Her words are beautifully written and Megs has confessed her experience shortly after World Mental Health Day, Monday 10th October 2016. She has inspired people everywhere to dig deep and take a hard look at their emotions; to realise that admitting this struggle is not a sign of weakness. Since reading this and other articles linked to WMHD, I have been able acknowledge my own failings when it comes to anxiety, stress and self-doubt. Please, do not ignore this important recognition. Visit Wonderful You now.

I am loving Essential Oils lately. I have been having a tough time getting to sleep. I suspect that this has a lot to do with my poor emotional state at the minute. However, I have been determined to find a natural sleep-aid. After speaking with a couple of my Endosisters on Twitter, I decided to invest in an oil burner and some essential oils. I started with Rose Geranium as a family friend of mine used to burn it in her hallway, it was so welcoming and uplifting when I went to visit. I have also ordered Lavender as I have found that Lavender pillow sprays have been very good for instantly calming me, but they don’t tend to last more than 10 minutes or so. I’m going to try a few more & will be writing a review in the coming months. Stay tuned!

Now, as you have probably guessed, I am an Instagram enthusiast. Beyond Pinterest, Insta is my next favourite social media platform. I follow some amazing people, from all over the world, seemingly leading extraordinary lives. But out of them all, my October Favourites are: InspiredtoWrite (Amie) and theyellowhairedgirl.

Amie is a writer whose flat-lays and workspace photos are epic. They spur me into action, with a swift kick, falling out of procrastination mode. She updates every day and it’s always different. She inspires, motivates and her photos are a joy to see.

Theyellowhairedgirl is mentioned in this week’s Grazia UK magazine, so the praise for this recommendation should be theirs. Her posts are funny and individual, which every woman can relate to. Excellent work! Thanks, Grazia.

fullsizerender

Last on my list this month is from my beauty best-buys. Barry M’s Nail Paint in Masquerade and in Twinkle Twinkle is all the glitter ‘N’ gold you’ll need before the Christmas countdown.

Masquerade is coloured glitter polish with hues of pink, blue and gold. I used this atop my favourite black nail polish (Maybelline’s Color Show in 677 Blackout) and was so happy with the result. It lasted a good week and I got lots of compliments (it seemed to make my nails, or the fact I had some, more noticeable!)

Twinkle Twinkle is a beautifully soft gold polish, almost rose gold. Covers the nail with just one coat, and doesn’t take forever to dry. I love the subtlety of this shade, and how feminine it makes me feel. Less is more with this Nail Paint. However, this Barry M colour is a Limited Edition at Superdrug, so get it while you can! I’ll be going back to stock up!

October 26, 2016October 24, 2016 by ChronicWriter

#TBR October 2016

Blood Rights by Kristen Painter

This was an impulsive library loan, I’m already half way through & loving it

Daphne Maurier’s Rebecca

I absolutely love the black & white film of this story

My nod to Halloween?

Bret Easton Ellis: American Psycho

Can’t Be Arsed by Richard Wilson

is this month’s funny

October 24, 2016October 24, 2016 by ChronicWriter

The Worst Thing about Periods

Life, My Endo Diary, Writing
female, girl gang, menstruation, periods, womanhood, women
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Being a woman is never easy. It doesn’t get any easier no matter how old I get. One of the crappiest things is getting my period.

Unable to control it, we are slaves to our bodies. I will forever be in awe of women that know the exact date their period is due, who still manage to function and look amazing, even whilst their uterus punishes them for not having a baby.

Juan Barquero’s Nudes 07

There are lots of things I dislike about my period. Because of my Endometriosis, my periods mean horrendous cramps and a heavy flow.

At 16, tired of the ick factor surrounding the sanitary towel (I don’t know why they call it that!) and fed up of running to the toilet every 10 minutes during lessons, I swapped to Tampax, ignoring the TSS scare from my mum.

Using tampons immediately eased some of my period anxiety. I felt cleaner, there is nothing worse than physically feeling that ‘bleugh’. I even got the Compact ones which avoided any embarrassment when I, winner of the Clumsy Queen award 2007, dropped my bag, emptying its contents on the classroom floor. Aimee 1, Period 0.

I hate the False Stop. It has happened to me a lot recently. It makes me groan outwardly every single time it happens and I hate it. The False Stop is when you’ve had 12-24 hours of clean pad or dry tampon and not a speck of blood, so you think my period must’ve stopped. You grab your sexy lacy knickers out of your drawer, hiding your white cotton M&S specials until next month. You’ll go out, make plans, maybe even have sex. But, your uterus is just luring you into a false sense of security, setting you up for a cruel joke, that you’ll never find funny. Five minutes in your new knickers, one cocktail down, or mid-sexytime, you’ll get a suspicious something ain’t right feeling.

BAM! Mr Red is back. And his timing is shitty.

My eyes hit heaven and I facepalm… FML. Aimee 1, Mr Red 1.

I hate that I’m forced to carry around essentials and my bag has to be big enough to find my top drawer in it. I look like a Nomad. It’s a nightmare because you can guarantee that the one time I don’t take all this stuff (just in case!) I’ll need it. Although, I do get to buy some pretty beautiful bags. Aimee 2, Mr Red 1.

I never get to buy the sheets I want. I see these awesome Pinterest Homeware pins and sigh in wanting. I have come to understand that I will never own white bed sheets, white towels, white jeans. I only just waver this rule for white cotton pants! And even then, I have tie-dyed a handful of them. It’s just not worth the risk. I’m an accident-waiting-to-happen when it comes to spill-able liquids or foods that stain, and I’m cursed with crappy hormones and periods. Both would ruin white 500-count Egyptian cotton sheets. Aimee 2, Mr Red 2.

As I’ve always tried to be more a ‘the glass is 1/2 full’ type of lass- 50.9% of the UK population are female. And this means that there are approximately 32,555,572 girls and women in the UK right now. And all of them will know the unpleasantness that is menstruation. We’re not alone. Women everywhere & Aimee 3, Mr Red 2.

So far, it looks like I’m winning and I need a win so I think we’ll leave it here for the time being- whilst the odds are ever so slightly in our favour.

Ladies, what do you think is the worst thing about periods?

NOTE:

The art I have used in this post is by French artist Juan Barquero. Please go look at his creations. He is a master artist, his work shows such poetic sensibility. I’m yet to find a painting that describes the way I feel about the weaknesses of my female form with as much clarity.

October 19, 2016October 24, 2016 by ChronicWriter

LOL S1 Ep2

LOL Series
chronic illness, Endometriosis, funny, health, humour, Life, LOL Series, recovery, women
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I apologise in advance if this is too honest/too gross/too cringey for your delicate eyes.

This is the 2^nd episode in my LOL stories – I hope it lightens your day.

Read, laugh and try not to judge me too much.

I am 3 days post-op. I am on my period and grumpy. I have the stomach of a heavily pregnant lady; only it’s not a baby, it’s just swelling. I’m feeling grotty and I’m in pain.

On this morning, my husband is up for work. It’s 6am and he’s passed me my hot water bottle and pulled the covers back over me. He’s downstairs somewhere, sleepy and drinking tea.

And suddenly, I’m awake. I’m running to the bathroom with awful stomach cramps. I sit on the toilet and grimace as I get rid of everything (including my spleen and a lung). I’m hurting and a little bit overwhelmed. I’m sitting with my head in my hands, feeling awful and cursed.

As if I need this right now?!

And that’s how I’m sat as I hear my husband climb the stairs and walk down the hallway. He knocks and with concern in his voice, he says: “Are you okay, bab-?”

Only I cut him off and scream at the closed door “DON’T COME IN HERE!!! DON’T COME IN!”

Jesus, I can’t let him in here. After all the other shit he’s had to deal with and all the talk about periods and babies he’s had to listen to and all my crazy mood swings he’s had to accept whilst trying this contraceptive or that hormone injection. I just couldn’t let him in.

Like the loving husband that he is, he opened the door just a crack; just wide enough to see me sat on the loo with my jama’s around my ankles, head in my hands, taking deep breaths as I fought to hold back sobs. He quietly closed the door and waited until I was done before going to work- tucking me back into bad and kissing my forehead before he left.

Don’t worry- this “aww!” moment was not lost on me. No matter how much pain I’m in or how much crap (in this case, literally) I have to deal with, I am still so grateful to have him. I appreciate him and how much he looks after me when I’m poorly.

Anyway…

So I had a horrendous toilet experience, luckily I wasn’t having to travel to the hospital and had the luxury of locking myself away in my own bathroom.

And before you ask- no this is not the end of the story. If you can believe it- it gets worse.

After hiding in bed for a few more hours, I pull myself together and head for a shower. Everything pretty normal so far. Only- I felt something, not quite right, down there. I thought: Well I’ve got Endo on my bowel, it’s probably pretty pissed off after being traumatised this morning. And shrugged it off.

I felt lots better after a shower. I got dressed (at this point, by ‘dressed’ I mean put on clean loungewear/jammies) and decided to make a brew. And still I knew something wasn’t right. Something was new, different. Whilst the kettle boiled I headed to the bathroom to investigate.

I had what seemed like a growth/lump/parasite on my bum. Well this is new.

There was a small voice in the back of mind telling me I knew exactly what it was. I slapped it around the face to shut it up. Can I get a break- PLEASE?! No, I can’t have haemorrhoids; not on top of everything else I have to deal with right now. My body hates me.

But how could I be sure? My curiosity got the better of me.

Continue reading →

October 14, 2016October 24, 2016 by ChronicWriter

Thank you Anna Smith

LOL Series
Anna Smith, chronic pain, Endometriosis, funny, handbag, humour, LOL Series, post op, recovery, shopping, women
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For women with Endometriosis, living life as normally as possible is a struggle. With chronic pain so severe and heavy irregular periods, it is easy for life to get us down.

After I’ve had a sucky time and I am over the initial trauma of an appointment, diagnosis, surgery- I try to find something about it to laugh at. I know I shouldn’t, illness is serious but I regularly use this as a coping mechanism and make light of my illness.

Humour can be as uplifting as opioids if you use it properly.

And so, this is the first of many LOL moments, coming up on my blog. Be assured- I will spare no details, no matter how embarrassing, and hope to hell you don’t judge me. Enjoy

Last week, on a grey morning, I woke up with a sad feeling. I was grumpy and just couldn’t brush it off. There’s no point in dressing this up as something else. I was mardy and tired and feeling sorry for myself. So I tried my cure-all, feel better Go-To’s:

I had a cup of tea and dunker biscuits in bed- No
I watched the original Ghostbusters film (Bill Murray is a sure way to make me smile)- Nope
I had a scolding hot bath with a Lush bath bomb, I soaked until I was pruney & short of breath from the steam- Nothing

With a determination I’d not seen in weeks, I got out of the bath and dressed quickly. Trying to put socks on and hold my phone to my ear is not easy and, being clumsy like I am, I stumbled more than once as I waited for my mum to answer her phone.

“Mum, it’s me – Yeah, no, I’m fine – I need you to come get me – Soon, like 10 minutes? – We’re going to town, to King’s – I need to buy a bag.”

As you can see, this needed action. This mood had to do one. And in order for that to happen, I needed a handbag. Needless to say, my mum (being the treasure that she is) dropped everything.

Me and mum went to a local boutique-with-café in my town and I immediately headed for the bag section. Usually, it is chocka with homeware and ornaments- things that I’d break just looking at them. But at this time, the owners were making way for their Christmas stock. That in itself is exciting! It’s like a frigging grotto in their every Christmas, soon be time to put my tree up! This lightened my mood considerably and I’d not set my sights on a single bag yet.

I found one. She’s an Anna Smith tote. I carried her around the shop like a small baby while I browsed. I held her in my lap as I waited for coffee. I paid £42 for her and that is money-well-spent as far as I’m concerned!
There is nothing more satisfying for a bag-lover, than transferring your things out of your old bag and into a new one. Filling all the pockets with my stuff, forgetting that in a month everything will be dumped in and I’ll have to wade through a pile of old receipts and wrappers and leaflets.

Girls, I needed this bag. Not only to make me feel better, but since I now have to take a ton of stuff with me everywhere I go- I need a bigger, hardier bag. Obviously I have all the usual suspects: purse, keys, glasses, pen, notebook, diary, gum, perfume/deodorant. But now that I have the reproductive system with a mind of its own I also have to carry: about 3000 pads, a heat pad, spare knickers, and a small pouch of pain meds (which I’m sure would get me arrested if I was searched by police!)

I can fit all of my baggage into this tote bag. Just call me Mary Poppins.

It can be hard being a girl. But it’s a nightmare being a girl with Endometriosis.

So we deserve handbags. Thank you Anna Smith.

October 12, 2016 by ChronicWriter

beautiful

Life, Writing
beautiful, beauty, friends, grief, marriage, relationships, sadness, women
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(byoo-tuh-fuh-l)

adjective:

1.having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind:

a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.

2.excellent of its kind:

a beautiful putt on the seventh hole or the chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.

3. wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

The word beautiful has been used throughout time to identify someone or something of excellence. In this world, beautiful has defined celebrities, fashion models, even cars.

In a simpler time, I could call a sunset “beautiful”, or describe a kind-hearted person: “he has a beautiful soul.”

In the past, I myself have attributed beauty to a woman with curves, with a clear complexion and a dazzling smile, to a woman who can walk in high heels with sophistication, who is able to have a perfect set of nails and her hair just right.

It has taken a trauma for me to realise how shallow my own point of view actually was. I apologise to women everywhere. I feel like I have been brainwashed by social media and magazines and society’s “perfect woman”. I foolishly reached for this unrealistic, ridiculous beauty. And now my eyes are open.

Over the past month or so, I have witnessed someone close to me go through such a tragic time in her life. So distressing was her pain, I struggled to know exactly what to say or what to do to help. It has been hard for me to see her struggling; growing up- we never thought we’d have to face something so difficult.

And yet, she has dealt with her pain with such grace, I am astounded at her strength. This is my close friend- my best friend- I thought I knew her completely but she has floored me. I am inspired and awed at how she has been able to manage this sad time with so much dignity. She has reached out to me, even in her time of grief and been so supportive of me. Her pain has not changed who she is. This lady is a truly beautiful person, inside and out.

What makes a woman beautiful is the way she picks herself up after falling, the way she dries her eyes and puts her make-up on. A beautiful woman is confident and loving and does not apologise for her weaknesses. She is grateful for the small things in life, and is able to smile in the rain.

Vanity and beauty do not walk hand-in-hand as I had thought. Ladies, you will never be as you are now ever again, savour this moment. See how beautiful you are, through the eyes of someone who loves you. Love is beautiful.

I am overwhelmed with how much love I have for my husband, my partner in life. He has the power to make me feel incredibly beautiful with just a look. After surgery, I now have 8 scars on my body. These are my battle scars, proof of my pain & my own rough times. As I pulled away my dressings, seeing my wounds for the first time, I was upset at how they would look. Would my husband still want me? Will I be able to love myself?

My husband has never caused me to doubt his affection or wanting of me. He calls me beautiful. He knows that beauty is not only on the outside, it is in the kindness in her soul, what she is willing to do for her family and in the way she cares for the people around her. I dare say, we’re as in love as ever.

When you struggle in life, it forces you to count your blessings and be thankful for the people in your life. That is beautiful. Having someone that knows you inside and out, is beautiful. My scars, evidence of the war inside my body, the proof of my strength and that I was able to come out of the other side; are beautiful.

Beauty is everywhere. Do not limit it to vanity or superficial ideas. See the beauty in your life, in the people who have always been there for you. See the beauty inside yourself.

October 6, 2016October 24, 2016 by ChronicWriter

Post-op Realness (graphic!)

On 20th September, I had my second laparoscopy.

Since my operation, I haven’t cried. I have tried to be strong, if I lose it- even for a minute, I may never pull my shit back together again. In the past when I’ve cried, like a sneeze, the people around me cry too. This makes me feel guilty. Guilty for making them sad, guilty for making them despair along with me, guilty because there are people in the world in a worst situation than me.

I was re-diagnosed. This time with Stage IV Endometriosis. My entire abdominal cavity was covered in cysts; on my ovaries, uterus, ureter, appendix, bowel, abdominal wall, diaphragm, a lot of Endometriosis, everywhere. I have seen the photographs my Dr took during my surgery. I have seen the physical damage this illness has caused. Now I’m dealing with the emotional damage.

Every day since my surgery, I have woken up in pain. At 6:30am, my husband, who has been a never-shaking source of support and strength, fills my hot water bottle and slides it under the covers while I sleep, and then leaves for work. He has been there every step of the way, and although he cannot take the pain away, he has shouldered this burden with me. He’s been there: when I’ve woken him up in the middle of the night, moaning in my sleep as I struggle with pain, he has waited alone in a hospital room- waiting for me to come out of recovery, ever being the calm in the eye of the storm. As I start to panic and become overwhelmed- I look to my husband, hold his gaze and I’m able to breathe again: “We’ve got this.”

Continue reading →

October 1, 2016September 20, 2016 by ChronicWriter

Do I use Coconut oil? Yes!

Life, Review
beauty, coconut oil, Endometriosis, natural, Review
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coconut-oil

For the past year or so, there’s been a lot of fussing over coconut oil and how amazeballs it is for your skin, health, food- how you can use it for everything! For the longest time, I tried to resist the urge to buy a jar and jump on the bandwagon but I found some with a great price point, tried it, loved it, so… I’m now a Coconut Oil Convert!

What do I use Coconut Oil for?

Use in cooking/baking as an alternative, healthier oil
Hair mask
Frizz fighter – I use a small amount after styling my hair to calm fly-aways and seal split ends.
‘Herbal’ Rub *cough/wink* penetrates the skin to treat muscle aches, abdo pain. *Inspired by Whoopi & Maya products from the US*
- See the benefits of this
- How-to make your own
As bath oil. Add some to a hot bath, it’s a natural skin moisturiser.
Lip balm
Make up remove