by ChronicWriter

Goodbye Zoladex

In March this year, after 6 months of zoladex injections, I decided to stop the treatment.

It was finally baby time. I bought packs and packs of pre-conception vitamins, I upped my daily water intake, I got the Ovia fertility app for my iPhone.

The first bleed didn’t come for about a month after I expected it. My menopausal symptoms; hot sweats, mood swings, seemed to fade away until I suddenly noticed they’d gone.

That first bleed though- eugh! it was horrid. I had fully prepared for it, mentally, physically and practically. I’d booked the week off, I’d stocked up on monthly essentials, painkillers, heat pads and comfort food. The cramping pains were as severe as before the zoladex but the bleeding seemed to have gotten a little better, not as heavy at least!

I bounced back much quicker than I’d expected to though. The day after I stopped bleeding, I felt relatively normal, if not a little bewildered. Had I done the right thing stopping the injections? How long would it take to get pregnant? 

The second month, I had my blood taken and tested for hormone levels. It looked like my ovaries were back to normal, I had ovulated. Ovulated? As in, there could be a baby? What?! 

I was like a crazy person, counting the days, knicker checking and when my period never came I was beside myself-excited. My GP said if I hadn’t come on, to take a test.

Now girls, I have never had to take a test before as I’ve always been super careful and obviously never planned a pregnancy, so I’ll admit I was a little anxious about it. I stood in the middle of Boots holding the Clear Blue Pregnancy test and the Boots one, a confused frown crinkling my forehead. Which one is more likely to give me a positive result? Now, I know this is ridiculous, but at this point I’m beyond reason. It gets worse…

I had to read the instructions! Hilarious! How hard is peeing on a stick?! But you want everything to go right,  and as I waited 3 minutes for the little lines to show up, my anxiety tripled.

My husband had to read it and tell me. Negative.

Yet no period? Odd. I rang the GP and he said to wait 48 hours and then try again. I’m not a patient person but that was the longest 48 hours ever. But I did it, not without a grumble of course. Still negative.

2 hours after my test, I started bleeding. My body hates me and is taunting me. But, I shook it off and put on my positive pants.

After this fiasco, I decided to get rid of the Ovulation app on my phone, I decided to stop reading all the fertility tips online, I decided to stop calendar-watching. If this is going to happen, it’s going to happen faster when I’m not stressing and obsessing about it.

I’m 4 months without the zoladex treatment. The periods aren’t nice, but I’m ready for them and I’ve learned to pick myself up afterwards. I’m strong enough to manage this- I have to be if I want to have a baby. Trying to conceive is difficult but going through this with Endometriosis forever in the back of my mind is so disheartening. It’s like: the despair of not being pregnant isn’t hard enough, here’s some physical agony to go with it.

The truth is; there are no more treatment options for me, the Zoladex proved that. The end game is a Hysterectomy. I know this and have accepted it.

The fact is- I need to have a baby. And when we eventually do, our baby will be the most longed for and the most loved in all the world. (Yes, I know every parent says this…) 

My thoughts are with those couples trying to conceive, you get a hi-5 ‘cos I know how much the waiting game sucks.

Much love

A xo

by ChronicWriter

Ovo-Pescatarian

I love a Sunday Dinner. My favourite is roast chicken and stuffing. I love a full English breakfast or anything with bacon. And so it is with much resentment that I fill you in on the past week…

I have tried several options of treatment and I have struggled to cope with either side effects or the fact that they just don’t work. And so after reading up on Endometriosis in Dian Shepperson Mills’ book , I’ve research some lifestyle changes that could help reduce flare ups.

In Endometriosis: A Key to Healing And Fertility Through Nutrition, the author describes how food and nutrition can help illness and improve fertility. 

I have also researched the Endo Diet. This diet suggests cutting out foods which trigger or cause inflammation. I struggle enough with inflammation of their internal organs/reproductive system so if there’s anything I can do to improve things- I’m up for it!

What are inflammatory foods?

Meat (especially red and processed meats)

Processed and packaged foods
Sugar
Gluten, white bread, and wheat
Dairy products
Alcohol
Fried foods

It does just say red meats and it does say that organic meat is better, but I’ve decided to cut meat out of my diet completely. If I’m doing this, I’m doing it right!

Now this was hard. My husband is an enthusiastic carnivore and sticks to the view that “a meal’s not a meal without meat“. Well, we haven’t divorced yet. I’ve just substituted the meat products with extra veg/salad or a vegetarian product. Linda McCartney’s vegetarian range is de-lish BTW! 

Anyway…as I was worried about changing my diet so drastically, I’ve opted to eat eggs and fish. I try to get the organic/free-range/line caught variety just as an added conscience boost.

After a week, I’m not starving. I still eat 2-3 meals a day (I’m terrible for missing breakfast!) So far I feel a less lethargic and not as nauseous after every meal. Below are some of the meals I’ve had this week…

 

Haddock fishcakes, courgette and tomato and sweet potato fries
Mushroom in Black Bean
Scrambled eggs on toast with smoked Salmon
Iceland sweet potato & Bean Nacho burger and salad
Carrot Cake!
smoked Salmon & Prawn Cocktail
Organic Strawbs

 

 

This book also states that too much dairy, heat and refined sugar can cause flare ups – but as a confessed Sweet Tooth, I refuse to give up my desserts just yet. Baby steps…

 

A xo

 

by ChronicWriter

a Lush night in July

So every month around pay day, I go and treat myself at my local Lush store in Doncaster. I don’t drink, or smoke, or have a crazy hobby so this is how I celebrate the start of a new month.

This month I was really lucky to visit my cousin who lives in Manchester and like a true tourist walked around with my eyes wide and my mouth open, overwhelmed by the busyness of a city (this happens every time I leave the Shire and I should learn to expect this now!)

I was completely unaware there was more than one Lush store in Manchester centre – duh! I ended up in the smaller of the two and left feeling a little bit deflated. But then I had a “A-Ha!” when I Googled it later. Next time!

I bought a Butterball bath bomb – which is one of my Lush Legends – it smells lovely, it makes my skin feel amazing and it’s really gentle on the skin. Absolutely lovely and at an awesome price!

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The day after Manchester-gate, I had to do a boring shopping day to get some new school (work) shoes and trousers for my new job (more on this later!). So I hit up Doncaster and it never fails to please me. I bought The Comforter bubble-bar which is also one of my Lush Legends. Each month, I pick one these up. It’s huge and one bar could easily do 3-4 baths, depending how bubbly/pink you prefer it. The aroma is really subtle and calming and who doesn’t just love a bubble bath? It also turns your bath water PINK!

comfrter

I have tried a Lip Scrub recently as well, the bubblegum flavoured one. This is a really great product to use in your “Going Out-Out” routine. Its great to prep your lips and exfoliate them before applying lipstick. It’s a little pricey for a small tub but a little goes a long way.

bble.pngBeing married to a Yorkshireman, I usually prefer a nice cup of tea in the morning, but lately I have been mad about coffee. And to tie this in with my morning routine, I’ve been waking my face up with the Cup ‘O Coffee face mask. Oh-my-! This brightens and exfoliates and smells like the best cup of java ever. An awesome product that I will buy again and again. It really does do what it says on the pot & all the ladies in the store use it too!

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One thing I love about Lush products is that they are made from natural ingredients, which is so good for your skin and they are all animal cruelty free – so my conscious can relax too! I love that there is so much variety available, I’m not someone that can tolerate strong aromas, as they can trigger for a migraine. So it’s great that there are much gentler scents like Rose, Coconut, Lavendar and more. I have linked all the products in this post- so you can have a mooch around the Lush website.

I’m so happy with July’s purchases and the Lush Doncaster staff are uber helpful and their customer service is always spot on. Can’t wait for next month!

 

A xo

by ChronicWriter

In March we wear Yellow

 

March is Endometriosis awareness month. This month endo sufferers all over the world are trying to raise awareness of endometriosis and hopefully help people to recognize the symptoms sooner rather than later.

This month I have made bracelets (shown above) and I am selling as many as I can in order to raise money for Worldwide Endometriosis Research Foundation. I am having a bake sale at work. I am hoping that my contribution will bring them a little bit closer to reducing the average diagnosis time down from 7 years.

On 19th March, women in the UK will travel to London to meet with other women with the condition. They will don their yellow t-shirts, raise  their banners and march through the city, raising the question “What is Endometriosis?” This is good. We want people to ask about it, to be curious, we want young girls to know that agonising period pain is not normal, that it’s ok to ask the doctor about it.

I’m just doing my bit…

in march we wear yellow.

 

A xo

by ChronicWriter

A year on… My Endo Diary

A year ago today, on my birthday, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, after 11 months of agonising pain, hospital visits and despair.

I naively thought that this diagnosis would bring a ray of light through the fog that was pain medication, absence from work and illness. I thought that with a definitive diagnosis, I would be led, hand in hand, towards a ‘cure’ or efficient treatment. I thought the “We’ll give this a go” attitude towards my healthcare would cease and a lightbulb moment would precede a concrete plan to recovery.

I was wrong.

It has taken a lot of energy, all of myself, to get to where I am today. It has felt like a never-ending path of painkillers, contraceptive treatment and doctor’s appointments.

Since being diagnosed, I have registered with a new GP Practice. I now see a GP Dr regularly who actually specialises in this area of women’s health. I have been referred to a new specialist, one of seems to understand where I’m coming from and empathises with just how debilitating this illness is! I have tried several different methods of pain relief. A short list looks something like this; Tramadol, Diclofenac, Naproxen, Oramorph, Co-codamol.

Thanks to a fellow Endo sufferer who I found on Twitter, I requested a prolonged release Tramadol, which seems to have less side effects which means I can at least try to have a normal day.

After I had my surgery, I was advised to try and prevent the endometriosis from growing back and the best way to do this is hormone treatment in the form of conttraceptives like the pill etc. I started the Depo Provera injection in February 2015 – I went from generally ok to suicidal in 2 weeks. I didn’t have a second injection.

I visited my consultant, the surgeon who did my laparoscopy. He suggested trying the Cerazette pill. (You will notice, there’s not a lot of confidence behind the treatment suggestions at this point.) This progesterone only pill didn’t work. I bled irregularly, for days at a time, heavily. I was in pain everyday. I ended up back in hospital. A doctor in hospital implied I was seeking stronger drugs- I was  not dependent on drugs- I was in pain every single day. I was exhausted, drawn and no longer recognized myself.

I was referred to Pain Management. I had acupuncture a couple of times and a woman spoke to me about mindfulness and breathing techniques. How is breathing supposed to help me? I resented this. I couldn’t focus my thoughts for more than a few minutes, how was I supposed to focus and meditate? I was discharged shortly after starting this course, following 2 missed appointments due to absence. I was ill and couldn’t get out of bed.

I was miserable. I couldn’t live a normal life, my job suffered, my marriage suffered and the doctors were supposed to help me, supposed to know where to go from here.

This is when I changed doctors. I stopped taking the pill. Why take something that clearly wasn’t working? My consultant decided it was best to discharge me if I wasn’t willing to take the pill he’d suggested.

My new Dr referred me to an IVF specialist in Sheffield, and prescribed me pain relief that reflected how strong the pain was. He understood.

My new consultant wanted to start me on a hormone impant injection; Zoladex. I was hesitant about this as I’d read online that there were a lot of side effects. But I was at the end of the line, running out of options.  I had the injections, they hurt, and my post-zoladex bleed was horrendous but I haven’t had a period in 3 months. I haven’t had pain in 3 months. THREE. MONTHS.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had discomfort, I’ve had bad side effects, but it’s the lesser of 2 evils.

Today, on my 25th birthday, I’m living my life, I’m working, I can live and love and laugh, again. It’s been a long, long road, and there’s only more to come.

I can only thank my family, friends for all their support and kindness over this last year. Thank you for understanding, I can only say sorry for my absence these past 2 years, my new year’s resolution is to attempt to make amends and reconnect this year.

My husband has been so, so supportive. He’s been my rock and full of understanding and patience. I don’t know what I’d have done without him, I’ve been so lucky.

 

And finally, to my new GP and specialist consultant. You have restored my faith in the NHS. I’m very grateful.

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Then, my 24th birthday

 

 

Now, my 25th birthday

Now, my 25th birthday

 

A xo

 

by ChronicWriter

Zoladex vs Endometriosis

On 20th November 2015 I had the first of my Zoladex injections to help relieve the symptoms of Endometriosis. I look at this as the final straw. The last option to my growing list of failed attempts to control pain, manage my symptoms.

“Zoladex (goserelin) is a man-made form of a hormone that regulates many processes in the body. Goserelin overstimulates the body’s own production of certain hormones, which causes that production to shut down temporarily.”

Less than a week later I go through a bad flare-up, extreme cramping, agonising pain and bloating. Having to take all my strongest pain medication and struggling to stand. I literally didn’t know what to do with myself, I was having to take heavy pain killers along with sticking heat pads all over my abdomen and back. However, I was told later that this was “normal” and is called a ‘post-zoladex bleed’. This can sometimes exaggerate the symptoms of endometriosis. I was also told that this settled down after a while…

And it did. The first month came and went, I was just heading into the second month, second injection, when the hot flushes started. As the injection works, it imitates menopause. The zoladex injection is like a chemical menopause, shutting my ovaries down so the endometriosis cannot grow or fluctuate in any way – hence, no pain. Or that is the idea.
For a couple of years now I have been listening to my mum (who is mid-menopausal FYI) whine about hot sweats and lack of sleep and mood swings, each time earning an eye-roll from me. I will NEVER roll my eyes at my mother again. EVER.
These hot sweats come and go all day, and they are ferocious and spontaneous. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling as though my blood is boiling beneath my skin. That awful feeling when you get stuck in a jumper that’s too tight? (I felt it briefly last year when I found myself, regretfully, stuck in a dress) I feel that for a split second, when waking with a hot sweat, feels a though I’m suffocating as I’m much too hot.

This is still happening to me. But it’s the lesser of two evils I suppose. Volatile body temperature or constant pain?

So I’m 2 thirds of the way into my course of 3 Zoladex injections. My last one was 18th December; each one isn’t as bad as the last. Although I’m left bleeding, sore and bruised after every injection, it doesn’t hurt as much. I figure I’m used to being a human pin cushion. I haven’t had a period in nearly 3 months now, I’ve had very little bloating and a minimal amount of pain. The only complaint I have are the side effects of the injection.

This tells me that the ultimate treatment, the only thing that can really help me (in the long room) is a hysterectomy. A hysterectomy will push me into early menopause, effectively doing exactly what the zoladex injection does and is a more long-term plan. I’ve finally found something that seems to work. But before I commit to menopause permanently…

 

…2016 is my ‘HAVE-A-BABY Year’

 

Happy New Year!!

 

A xo

 

*I’d love to hear about the treatment you’ve used for Endometriosis… comment below

*Any ideas to naturally boost fertility?

 

by ChronicWriter

Endometriosis on BBC Radio 2

This week, Endometriosis has been given a new platform by Jeremy Vine on BBC Radio 2.

I am happy to see that the word ‘Endometriosis’ is being talked about, it’s getting out there, people are speaking up.

What I didn’t appreciate was that they made it sounds like there was a lot of different options for treatment. The guest speaker politician spoke of her traumatic experience of periods and pain. But she implied that she no longer has Endometriosis since starting a combined contraceptive pill.

There is no cure for Endometriosis.

The biggest impact came when women suffering from this illness called in to discuss their experience. I became so overwhelmed, so emotional under the realisation that I am not alone. The understanding that there are 2 million and more women suffering with pain and infertility and the effects this illness causes. That I can totally get what it’s like and just how debilitating it is.

To listen to Jeremy’s show, click here.

Salute to Radio 2.

A xo

by ChronicWriter

Despair and Defeat

“I am more than this, I am more than pain, I am more than this illness.”

Recently, I have been making a considerate effort to try and get my life back to some resemblance of normalcy. This is hard. I have been walking a thin line between despair and defeat.

After not being able to manage my pain during a particularly prolonged flare up and deciding to come off hormone treatment, my body is exhausted. My mind is almost broken as it takes everything for me to plaster on a smile and go about my day, my illness and melancholy invisible to those around me.

Hearing the same words from every medical professional, with no clear resolution, is so disheartening. Being told there are limited options of treatment left. Being told the first go-to treatment would be surgery, which I’ve already had no more than 10 months ago. The second go-to is pregnancy and my heart breaks each time this is suggested. Get pregnant. If only it was that easy. The fact that those words are thrown around as easily as they are, makes me feel like I’m not fulfilling what it is to be female. Like I’m faulty, broken.

I’m about to start the last in a long list of treatments. It is the last, as I literally don’t know what else we can try if it doesn’t work. Zoladex. Chemical menopause. Injections into my lower abdomen every 28 days. Menopausal symptoms- hot flashes, low mood, weight gain, acne, personality changes. None of this sounds like a good time.

I am scared to start this. I have some serious reservations about this. My biggest concern is the mood and personality changes. When I tried the Depo Provera injection in February this year, I went from me to suicidal in 2 weeks. Will this happen again? Will I still be me?

It’s hard for me to be positive. But if I’ve learnt anything along my Endo journey, it’s that I’m stronger than I think I am. All of what I’ve been through hasn’t come easy, why start now?

 

If you’ve tried Zoladex injections to treat Endometriosis, let me know your experience. What works for you?

A xo